


Lifeless

by Thatsarcasticidiot



Series: Sad [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Only Mark and Haechan are talked about in detail, might delete this one later I'm not sure, the others are vaguely mentioned, this is a heavy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 21:29:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15916626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsarcasticidiot/pseuds/Thatsarcasticidiot
Summary: Donghyuck hates his life, but it's perfect.





	Lifeless

**Author's Note:**

> This fic, like the previous one in this series, deals with mental health issues and more specifically, bipolar disorder. This is to show that the mania is not always sunshine and giggles. Read with care, and don't read if it will trigger you.

Donghyuck hates his life, and it’s perfect. Doesn’t make sense, does it? Donghyuck doesn’t think it does either. Why can’t he just be normal? He has loving parents, friends that annoy the shit out of him, but also keep him sane. He has good friends, and a future that looks bright, but he fucks it all up for himself because he just can’t be normal.

Believe him, he's tried. He's tried smiling like everything is normal, he's tried forcing himself to do the things he used to love, despite his little motivation. _He's tried_ , but every day, he goes home, his face and heart heavy, creating a new list of things he shouldn't have done that day. He lays in his bed every night, lights off, room quiet, but his eyes boring into the ceiling above. He thinks about how his friends don't want to be around the empty frame that he is, the empty shell that he's become. He thinks about how everybody is slowly leaving him, the number of people he has slowly diminishing. He thinks about things he's done in the past, and how they'll probably stick with him for life. He thinks about that dull feeling in his chest that's not quite sadness, but still causes him to feel like he's about to cry any second. He thinks about how it's _always there_ , buried in his heart. Donghyuck thinks a lot. 

His thoughts aren't always bad, sometimes, he lays awake, still unable to sleep, but this time, he thinks about the good day he had with his friends, he thinks about the things they said that made him laugh. He thinks about how lucky he is to have them, but then, the monster in his head manifests again, like every night, reminding him of how he said the wrong thing at the wrong time and ruined the whole atmosphere. It reminds him of how he laughed a little too late at the joke Ten told, and how all eyes ended up on him. It reminds him of every shitty aspect there is about Donghyuck. It doesn't let him be happy.

That's why he doesn't like to think, because thinking always takes him to bad places. He can't stop though, with all the free time that he has, what with his friends distancing and his activities receding into one; thinking. What else can he do? Alone in his room all day. The monster in his head goes away during the day, and that's when the demon comes. 

The demon in his head doesn't remind him of things, it predicts, it talks to him, demeans him. It tells him when he's out shopping, that he probably looks a fool, with the bags under him eyes, and the half assed outfit. It tells him when he's with his friends that whatever he's about to say is going to come out wrong and he's going to ruin the atmosphere again. The demon tells him that he's pathetic, and tells him he's never going to be worthy as a person. It doesn't let him be happy either. 

It's been so long since Donghyuck was happy that he's forgotten what pure joy feels like, what it was like when he was the resident full sun, bright twenty four hours a day. The worst part is the fact that there is no reason whatsoever for Donghyuck to feel this way. There's no abandoned at birth story, no near death experience that left him scarred for life, and it's sick that he wants a story like that, he wants validation for his feelings, he wants to feel like what's happening is real. 

Donghyuck really flew off the handle a year later, when he finally began to feel worth it. He was full sun again. He began to eat well again but still could not sleep, he doesn't think that will ever be fixed. He felt the need to talk to his friends, repair his relationships. He was on top of the fucking world. He thought less about decisions, becoming a true risk taker in his time of joy. He was still irritable though, angered when things didn't go the way he'd envisioned in his head, or when people pointed out his low concentration levels. He didn't like that. He barely did any of what he wanted however, too focused on the idea of happiness to do anything about it. It lasted two weeks. Then Donghyuck was back to his plummeting sadness, back to his old ways. It was a disappointment to say the least.

It happened again, and again. Phases of excitement, happiness, irrationality. then self hate and loathing. He would rather just be depressed again. At least he had a constant in his life then. The changes in his moods were tiring him and his family out, but not once were they ever tired enough to let him be seen by a professional. He stayed this way. No help.

His lows always lasted longer than the mania, perhaps it was because he began with his simple depression, and at up until now, it was all he'd ever known. He could go almost a month in his depressive state, and then his excitement levels would kickstart, becoming full sun yet again. It was nice, until he started feeling as if he was losing control of _himself_ , losing who he was, waking up with negative numbers in his bank account, or across town when he'd travelled on a whim. Who was Donghyuck when he wasn't emerged in self loathing, or extreme mania? Donghyuck couldn't tell you himself.

His parents did eventually take him to a doctor. He determined that it was depression which had formed into cyclothymia, left untreated which turned into the looming monster, bipolar disorder. Donghyuck had already figured that much out by himself. 

 

Donghyuck ran away whilst manic, which he finds he has done many times, but this time he didn't go back. Mark was his name. He was shoplifting when Donghyuck first saw him. Donghyuck wanted to join in, right now, it seemed fun and he wanted to have fun.

Mark had told him that this was no business for a pretty face like his, and Donghyuck told him that his pretty face held a lot of secrets. Mark let him tag along. 

When Donghyuck told him that he was a runaway, Mark didn't seem surprised at all. 

"Why are you so calm about me being a runaway?" Donghyuck inquired after they had left the store that they had stolen from, it was exhilarating, he instantly wanted more.

"Do I look I'm the kind to care? You caught me shoplifting." Mark deadpanned. "You seem the type anyway."

Donghyuck was offended, "what do you mean 'the type'?"

Mark shrugged. "Reckless. You only live once. That type."

 

-

 

Donghyuck began living with Mark almost as soon as they met, the older having his own apartment, and shit was already fucked up for him, so why not fuck it up even more by inviting a runaway teen who did not know the meaning of silence that he barely knew to live in his home. Not even Mark understands his own thought processes. He's always been too trusting.

-

Donghyuck never sleeps at night. It's something Mark noticed during the first week of them living together, that Donghyuck would waste the day away sleeping, and lay awake at night silent.

"Why don't you ever sleep?"

"What do you mean? I sleep plenty."

Mark turns on his right side, so he can see Donghyuck who's lying on the floor on a nest of blankets, his makeshift bed.

"No, you know what I mean. At night. Why don't you sleep at night?" 

Donghyuck stares up at the ceiling, avoiding the eye contact that Mark is trying to make. "I'm not really sure. The monster keeps me up night a lot though."

Mark sends a weird glance his way, "monster?" 

"The monster in my head. It likes to remind me about how worthless I am." Mark knew what he was talking about. Everyone had a little monster in their head, but it's always locked away by the day to day activities of a normal life, but when you don't ever _do_ anything, the monster grows, and soon, it becomes more powerful than you.

Mark didn't even realise he said any of thing out loud, until he hears a quiet hum of agreement come from Donghyuck, "You're depressed, aren't you?"

"What gave it away?"

"The perfect description of exactly what goes on inside my head wasn't doing a very good job of hiding your secret." Donghyuck sarcastically comments, sitting up to see Mark better.

"What about you?"

"Hm?"

"Are you depressed?" 

Donghyuck gave yet another noncommittal shrug. "You could say that."

"You're different though." Mark looks at him in a way that's almost as if he's studying the boy on the floor, making him feel exposed and stripped bare. Donghyuck cocked his head to the left, "In what way?" 

"When I first met you, you were different."

Donghyuck knows Mark is referring to his risk taking self, who was always parched but never hungry, and had a mouth that ran as fast as a train, and the striking difference between the Donghyuck now, the Donghyuck who never cries but is always upset, the Donghyuck who spends his days in bed.

Donghyuck shrugs, “It’s because I _am_ different.”

Mark didn’t push any further.

-

Donghyuck, in turn, noticed the how self deprecating Mark was to himself, how he was always doubting his every move, unlike Donghyuck, who was a very brazen person, and tended to think after he acts. Mark clearly valued human contact and was always fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. Donghyuck tended to do things, then regretted them afterwards and chastised himself over the consequences, unlike Mark, who punished himself either way. Mark hated himself. Donghyuck hated himself. What a pair.

-

They met the boys at a party that none of them really wanted to be at, coming together seeing as they hung out with the same group of friends, and realised that they had more in common than what met the eye. They were all fucked up kids.

Even after all this time, Donghyuck still barely knows the history of these boys, he barely knows why they can't trust anyone, he barely knows why they can't sleep at night, and he barely knows why they don't want to do this anymore. But he does know what it feels like, he's experienced the same. Their reasons may differ, but in the end, they all feel the same inside. Lifeless. 

They've stuck together ever since.


End file.
